


Anymore

by sparkinside



Category: AFI
Genre: Character Study, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-26 23:20:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9928454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkinside/pseuds/sparkinside
Summary: There are two sides to every story.Companion to 'The Embrace'





	

**Author's Note:**

> So half way through writing 'The Embrace' I knew I wanted to explore Adam's story. 'The Embrace' had always been Jade's story but Adam's, to me at least, needed to be told as well.
> 
> This story was inspired, in part, by a Frank Turner song of the same name. It's a beautifully heartbreaking song about falling out of love that fit so well with the chaos that is Adam's tale.
> 
> Thanks, as always, to Carrie. Without her these ideas would still be buzzing uselessly in my head.
> 
> Disclaimer: Never happened. All characters, save originals, own themselves. I made nothing from this.

‘ _Not with a bang but with a whimper_  
_It wasn’t hard, it was kind of simple_  
_Three short steps from your bed to your door_  
_Darling, I can’t look you in the eyes now and tell you I’m sure if I love you anymore_ ’

Frank Turner - Anymore

 

There weren’t many things in life that Adam Carson had been sure of. Life had been too inconsistent and changing for true certainty. But the one thing he had never faltered in had been his love for Jade. Jade, with his neurotic, passionate, frustrating nature that fit so well with Adam’s own ordered existence.

He’d loved him from nearly the moment they’d met, though he had fought himself on that fact for the longest time. And when they had finally agreed to explore what had been building between them, Adam had jumped in without hesitation. They had always made such sense in his mind and he couldn’t imagine a future that didn’t include Jade. Until he had.

They said that familiarity bred contempt and maybe it was true. 

Adam couldn’t pin point exactly when that had changed; exactly when he had fallen out of love with Jade. It hadn’t been a conscious decision. At least he hadn’t thought it had been. He had always looked at Jade and known that he was home. It had always been a dead certainty. Like death and taxes, as that saying goes. He couldn’t remember the exact day or what was happening but he could remember the feeling. That certain, sick knowledge that a long held truth had fallen by the wayside. 

His eyes had met Jade’s and in them he had seen all the love and affection that Jade held for him, but those feelings no longer bubbled inside him as well. It scared him. Terrified him to his core. He had always loved Jade, how could that have changed?

So he had done what any normal person would, he ignored it. Ignored the way the all the little things Jade did drove him near madness. Things that before had made him smile and warmed that part of his heart he believed Jade owned entirely. Whatever this was would go away. Every couple went through this; the fear, the uncertainty, the doubt. It was nothing. It would go away.

But it didn’t. In his silence and his denial, it grew into something Adam didn’t recognize. And he hated himself for it. Hated himself for not loving Jade enough, for faltering. He pushed himself, told himself if he just tried harder it would work. He would get past it, knowing somehow that it was a lie.

The doubt and the uncertainty were only becoming harder and harder to silence. Until one night he found himself staring that the man curled contentedly at his side. He studied the way Jade’s glasses sat low on his nose, the way he bit thoughtlessly at his lip as he read. It used to drive him to distraction, the way Jade’s teeth would worry his bottom lip. He would watch him and think of nothing else but taking that full lip between his own teeth. But now it simply left him cold, indifferent. 

He didn’t know what had driven him to ask the words that had come tumbling from his mouth, “Are you happy?”

He watched as Jade froze momentarily, eyes traveling to meet Adam’s. He paused and for a traitorous moment Adam had hoped he would say ‘no’. That he would give him that out he’d been too afraid to take himself. But he didn’t. Jade simply smiled at him and spoke, “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

The words were like a knife in his heart. Jade loved him, trusted him. He deserved so much better. But even as the guilt had flooded him, so came the rush of frustration and bitterness. Jade had to know things had changed. He had to sense it, why couldn’t he just open his fucking eyes. Adam hated those thoughts, hated himself even more for contemplating them. 

 

Anna had been like a breath of fresh air. Her laughter had been brash and her commentary and insight were uplifting. He didn’t have to pretend with her and it was glorious. She was breezy and uncomplicated and everything Adam had never known he’d wanted. It hadn’t started out that way. She had been a friend, one of the many who he’d taken to spending Friday nights with in varying bars. She was a part of his life that didn’t revolve around Jade and he reveled in it.

At first it had been harmless, they would sit and talk for hours about everything and nothing. He felt fully at ease with her, such a startling contrast to everything else in his life. Those nights had become the highlight of his week. And as they became more frequent, he told himself he was just blowing off steam. Just connecting with a friend. She didn’t expect anything of him, there were no demands. It was glorious.

He found himself staying later and later. Wanting to call her at random times during the day, just to ask her what she was thinking, to get her opinion on something. It was a rush. And he ignored that little voice telling him that somehow this was wrong. That everything he was doing was wrong.

Their first kiss had been a complete accident. They were sitting in one of the booths to the side of the main bar. The room was packed, there was so much noise that Adam could barely hear himself think. She had said something but he hadn’t understood her. He had leaned closer just as she had turned her head. Their lips met and he was lost. She was soft and warm and he couldn’t seem to stop himself. 

It was over nearly as quickly as it had begun. Neither knew what to say, staring awkwardly in different directions. But it had awoken something in Adam, something that if he had let himself think on would have reminded him painfully of those first moments with Jade. 

They didn’t speak for almost a week after. The silence was devastating. Adam had been the first to break. The phone call had been brief and painfully awkward. They had agreed to meet in a café. Neutral ground, he figured, would be safer. Adam didn’t know what he was doing. He had tried to tell himself that it was her friendship he hadn’t wanted to lose. That that was the reason he wanted so desperately to fix this. He had gotten too good at lying to himself these days.

His breath had caught as she walked through the door. Despite her assurances, he had been terrified she wouldn’t show. That was the reason he was so grateful to see her, he told himself. But even that lie was wearing thin.

The conversation had been stilted at first, neither seeming to know what to say. They had crossed a line that they had been straddling for months now. And Adam knew, even as he struggled to disregard it, that this was wrong. But he didn’t stop himself. Not when the café had turned into dinner and dinner had turned into her apartment. It was wrong and God he had wanted it. Wanted it more badly than he had wanted anything in such a long time.

It hit him as he lay in her bed, her head resting against his chest, that he loved her. Loved her in a way that he hadn’t loved Jade in far too long. It was both exhilarating and devastating. He wanted this. Wanted what he had only just begun to explore with her. And in that moment, Jade’s face crept into his thoughts. Lead filled his stomach. 

He had kissed her goodbye as left, knowing what he had to do and hating himself for it all the same. Hurting Jade had never been his intention, the cowardly part of him he had struggled for so long to silence told him that was why he hadn’t left. Leaving Jade would have made it permanent. Would have meant he had failed. And despite everything he had never truly wanted to cause him pain. 

It would have been easy to blame Jade, to say he was smothering and insecure and a hundred other things that had pushed Adam away. A selfish part of him wanted to do just that. To absolve himself of his guilt. But it wasn’t Jade’s fault, not really, and that made it hurt all the worse.

He arrived to a darkened apartment. Jade hadn’t returned from work yet and relief flooded through him. He wasn’t ready to face Jade yet. Adam made his way into the bedroom, pulling his suitcase from its home in their shared closet. He didn’t let himself think as he grabbed and carefully folded his clothes before placing them in the suitcase. 

The sound of the key in the door brought Adam crashing back into the present. He heard Jade shuffle into the apartment, softy closing the door behind him and dropping his keys onto the side table. Jade called his name and he winced before answering. There was no more time left. He hated himself for his fear and his inability to have ended this sooner. God, he should have done this sooner. But it was too late now. 

He forced himself not to make eye contact as Jade entered the room. He could feel the confusion and uncertainty radiating off of the man behind him. This would be devastating for him. 

“Adam?” His name sounded so small and scared falling from Jade’s lips, “What’s going on?” 

Guilt, fresh and raw, clawed at him, but Adam didn’t turn to face Jade. Instead, he spoke the words he knew would break the man’s heart. “I’m leaving.” 

Jade had stuttered the words back at him in disbelief. 

Adam could feel the panic and confusion filling the space around him. ‘I’m sorry,’ he wanted to say. ‘I’m so sorry.’ But what came out instead was “It’s not working, Jade. I can’t do this anymore.” The words and those that followed were colder than he had intended, but that didn’t make them any less true. They weren’t working. They hadn’t been for so long now, it wasn’t Jade’s fault that he couldn’t see it. 

Jade pleaded with him, told him that he was wrong. That this, that they were working. Begging him to stay. Adam wanted to yell at Jade, to shake him and force him to open his eyes, and at the same time he wanted nothing more than to hold him and tell him that it would be alright. That he would get past this and be better for it. He had never hated himself more. 

He left his keys on the coffee table. The clatter of metal upon wood signaling the end of the life Adam no longer felt he truly belonged to. He didn’t say a word as he left, closing the door behind him. There was nothing he could say. Nothing to make this any easier.

It was done. 

And for the first time in a long time, Adam felt he could breathe.


End file.
